11 Great One-Liners From the Queen of Comedy: Joan Rivers

1. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

2. The Kardashians are a lot like Colonel Sanders. They built an empire on breasts, legs, and thighs.

3. I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

4. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

5. Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth. For years I woke up Melissa, "You ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."

6. My mother doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

7. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”

8. Looking fifty is great ... if you're sixty.

9. My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

10. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

11. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.