14 Favorite Lines From Lewis Black

1. A lot of country music is based on old Jerry Springer episodes.

2. All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

3. We need to build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada. That’s where the cold air comes from.

4. Lawyers spend years learning a language that if a normal person tried to read, they’d have a stroke.

5. I don’t use fiber. I had a bran muffing ten years ago and I’m still s ting because of it.

6. If New Zealand wants to be part of our world, they should hop off their islands & push 'em closer.

7. In my life, we've gone from Ike to Bush. From JFK to Al Gore. If this is evolution, in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.

8. In a country as rich as this no one should go or lack an education, and there should be flying cars.

9. If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween...don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

10. I was listening to George Bush speak and I realized that one of us was nuts. And for the first time ever, it wasn't me.

11. Going quail hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing," and going to a goldfish bowl and going "Got it!"

12. North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

13. This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

14. Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.