9 Favorite One-Liners From Rita Rudner

1. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

2. Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.

3. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

4. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

5. They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

6. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

7. The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping Up & Down."

8. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

9. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?