12 Great One-Liners From Jon Stewart

1. Don't eat pork? Is that the word of God or pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

2. Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

3. Corporations are the reason the tax code is so complicated. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

4. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

5. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

6. I'm not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

7. I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

8. I'm too short to host a late night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

9. I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

10. I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.

11. The Internet is just the world passing around notes in a classroom.

12. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.