2. I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
3. What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
4.I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
5. When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
6. I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
7. Once I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window. They sent a priest. He said, "On your mark..."
8. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?” He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
9. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."