16 One-Liners by Woody Allen on Love, Sex, and Marriage
2. Sex between two people is a beautiful thing; between five it’s fantastic.
3. Sex relieves tension. Love causes it.
4. Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
5. Art and masturbation - two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
6. The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
7. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
8. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
9. Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
10. Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
11. I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
12. Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
13. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
14. Marriage is the death of hope.
15. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
16. A relationship is like a shark. It has to move forward or it dies. And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark. (Annie Hall)
7 Comments by Woody Allen on Success
2. My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
3. Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons.
4. Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
5. I have no idea what I am doing, but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
6. The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
7. If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing too safe.
13 Favorite One-Liners From Woody Allen
2. I can't listen to that much of Wagner. I start getting the urge to invade Poland.
3. His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
4. I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
5. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
6. Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
7. My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.
8. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
9. Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
10. Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
11. I took a speed-reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
12. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
13. Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, “Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
9 Woody Allen One-Liners on Life and Death
2. I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
3. It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
4. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
5. Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
6. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
7. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance agent?
8. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
9. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
9 Great Lines by Woody Allen
2. Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
3. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
4. If only God can give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
5. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
6. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had small pox.
7. I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
8. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
9. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
13 One-Liners On Woody Allen's Metaphysical Existential Crisis
2. Life is full of loneliness, misery, suffering, and unhappiness. And then it's all over much too quickly.
3. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
4. Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.
5. I was thrown out of college for cheating on metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
6. Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
7. Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
8. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
9. The artist's job is not to succumb to despair by to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. (Midnight in Paris)
10. The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
11. I am two with nature.
12. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
13. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
5 Jokes About Woody Allen's Childhood
2. When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
3. I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
4. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
5. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
7 Woody Allen Thoughts on God and Atheism
2. If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
3. Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
4. If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
5. As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree," probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
6. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
7. If only God can give me some clear sign. Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.