13 Great One-Liners From Groucho Marx

1. I refuse to belong to a club that would have me for a member.

2. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

3. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

4. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

5. Humor is reason gone mad.

6. These are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

7. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

8. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

9. Before I speak, I have something important to say.

10. I drink to make other people more interesting.

11. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

12. There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, you know he’s a crook.

13. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx 12 Popular One-Liners

1. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

2. I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

3. All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

4. I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

5. Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

6. I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

7. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

8. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

9. Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

10. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

11. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

12. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

13 More Great One-Liners From Groucho Marx

1. Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

2. I'll hold your seat until you get there. After you get there you are on your own.

3. I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

4. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

5. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

6. I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

7. I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

8. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

9. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

10. The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished.

11. Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

12. I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

13. Die, my dear? Why, that’s the last thing I’ll do.

Groucho Marx & Frank Sinatra Sing "It's Only Money" 1951

Harpo Marx Meets Groucho on "You Bet Your Life"

On Women and Marriage: 14 One-Liners From Groucho Marx

1. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

2. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

3. A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

4. Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

5. In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

6. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

7. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

8. Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

9. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look me in the face. That's the price she has to pay.

10. I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

11. Women should be obscene and not heard.

12. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

13. A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

14. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.

Jack Benny on Groucho Marx’s “You Bet Your Life” 1955