10 Best One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

2. I put on a shirt & a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

3. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

4. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

5. I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

6. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

7. I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

8. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

9. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

10. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met me yet.