11 Great One-Liners From the Queen of Comedy: Joan Rivers
2. The Kardashians are a lot like Colonel Sanders. They built an empire on breasts, legs, and thighs.
3. I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
4. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
5. Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth. For years I woke up Melissa, "You ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."
6. My mother doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
7. I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
8. Looking fifty is great ... if you're sixty.
9. My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
10. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
11. I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
7 Jokes About Sex From Joan Rivers
2. My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
3. Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
4. The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
5. I’m so old the only men who hit on me are undertakers.
6. A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she's a tramp.
7. It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.