10 One-Liners by Rita Rudner On Men and Dating

1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

2. A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

3. To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

4. The time spent grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

5. Some people think large breasts makes a woman stupid. Just the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

6. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

7. Men who leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

8. Men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

9. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

10. Men with a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain & bought jewelry.

8 One-Liners by Rita Rudner On Husbands and Marriage

1. Rita Rudner: Each I time I look at a man, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

2. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

3. We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

4. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

5. Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

6. I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

7. My husband & I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or our lives.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9 Favorite One-Liners From Rita Rudner

1. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

2. Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.

3. It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

4. My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

5. They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

6. I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

7. The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it "Jumping Up & Down."

8. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

9. Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. On what? On fire?