"I Get No Respect": 10 Great One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I get no respect. A travel agent told me I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.

2. I get no respect. My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

3. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

4. I get no respect. Every day the elevator attendant asks me the same thing ... Basement?

5. I get no respect. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

6. I get no respect. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

7. I get no respect. For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

8. When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents divorced there was a custody fight over me. No one showed up.

9. As a kid I got no respect. Kidnappers sent my parents a note saying, "We want $5,000 or you'll see your kid again."

10 I get no respect. Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

16 Rodney Dangerfield Jokes About His Wife

1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

2. Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

3. I told my wife I was seeing a psychiatrist. She told me she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers & a bartender.

4. I asked him, “Who said you could fool around with my wife?” He said, “Everybody.”

5. I asked my wife, "Is there somebody else?" She said, "There MUST be."

6. I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No. One drag is enough."

7. I made a toast to my wife on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

8. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

9. I told my son about the birds & the bees. He told me about the butcher and my wife.

10. I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

11. My psychiatrist said my wife & I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

12. My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

13. During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

14. My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

15. My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

16. My wife's very jealous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Classic Rodney Dangerfield Stand Up Routine

"I Get No Respect": 8 More Great One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I get no respect. My car broke down the other day. I called Triple A. They came and towed me away.

2. I get no respect. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it.

3. I get no respect. I told my psychiatrist, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

4. I get no respect from my dog. He keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

5. I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

6. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

7. I get no respect at all. When I was a kid, I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said "I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide."

8. I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect. The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house.

10 Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners On Marriage

1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

2. My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

3. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

4. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

5. My psychiatrist said my wife & I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other.

6. I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

7. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

8. It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads a book.

9. My wife asked if I would put out the garbage. I said, “Why should I? You never put out for me.”

10. We sleep in separate rooms & take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

The Audience Goes Wild For Rodney Dangerfield

10 Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners About His Childhood

1. I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.

2. What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. That kid didn't help me at all.

3. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

4. My dad and I used to play tag. He'd drive.

5. When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy.

6. Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared. I was alone.

7. My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

8. I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

9. My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

10. What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

10 Best One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

2. I put on a shirt & a button fell off. Picked up my briefcase & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

3. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

4. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

5. I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

6. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

7. I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

8. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

9. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

10. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous. Everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield Says Goodbye In His Final Appearance

10 Jokes About Rodney Dangerfield's Sex Life

1. When I started out in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

3. A hooker once told me she had a headache.

4. I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

5. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

6. I bought a new book, “100 New Ways to Make Love” I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

7. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

8. My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed.

9. I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

10. If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

8 More Rodney Dangerfield Jokes About His Wife

1. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

2. My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka Seltzer.

3. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

4. My wife once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

5. My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

6. One time my wife and I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife.

7. My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

8. I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "What, you can't think of anybody either?"

8 Best Lines About Rodney Dangerfield's Tough Neighborhood

1. I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "Shut the Fuck Up!"

2. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

3. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

4. I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

5. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

6. I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

7. In the school I went to they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity so he threw the teacher out of the window.

8. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.

9 More Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners About His Childhood

1. Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

2. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

3. I remember when I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

4. When I was a kid my parents gave me a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.

5. What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

6. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy what a present he gave me.

8. Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

9. In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

9 More of the Best One-Liners From Rodney Dangerfield

1. I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

2. I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

3. What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

4.I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

5. When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

6. I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.

7. Once I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window. They sent a priest. He said, "On your mark..."

8. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?” He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

9. One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

10 Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners On Being Ugly

1. I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

2. I had lots of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

3. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

4. I found there was only one way to look thin - hang out with fat people.

5. I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

6. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

7. On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

8. One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

9. This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

10. Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, “Make me a zombie.” He said, “God beat me to it.”

10 One-Liners On Rodney Dangerfield's Family

1. I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

2. I took my son to Coney island. I asked, "Wanna go in the crazy house?" He said, "Save your money we'll be home soon."

3. My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

4. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

5. The teacher told my kid, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." He said, "What do you got for cops?"

6. That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set the mold on fire to be sure.

7. I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

8. My uncle found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

9. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house.... so he moved.

10. My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

7 Great One-Liners By Rodney Dangerfield On Getting Old

1. I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar.

2. I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

3. I'm gettin' old, why, when I was young they called me “self-deprecating.” Now it's usually “self-defecating.”

4. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

5. Boy, I’m getting old. My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope.

6. I told my doctor I wanna stop aging. He gave me a gun.

7. I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

7 More Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners On Being Ugly

1. I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

2. I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything.

3. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

4. My mother took me to a dog show and I won.

5. I was so ugly, when my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

6. What a dog I had. When he found out we look alike, he killed himself.

7. When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

10 Rodney Dangerfield Jokes About His Wife

1. My wife told me to take out the garbage. I told her, “You cooked it, you take it out.”

2. I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

3. My wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked if I could give her a goodnight kiss. She bent over.

4. I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless. I donate to the topless.

5. My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

6. One guy gave my wife a piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a piece of his leg.

7. My wife is such a bad cook; if we leave dental floss in the kitchen. the roaches hang themselves.

8. I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher."

9. My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way."

10. I asked my wife, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?” She said, “You know I'm no good at fractions.”

Rodney Dangerfield's 12 Best Lines About Growing Up

1. Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.

2. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

3. I remember when I was kidnaped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

4. I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

5. I had lots of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

6. I come from a stupid family. My uncle is the only man I know to choke to death on a lifesaver.

7. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

8. I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

9. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

11. When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

12. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.